I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
