Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
