Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
