Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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