So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
