Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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