i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
