Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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