Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
