discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
high people should be assigned attendants
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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