dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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