I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
