so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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