she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
