its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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