Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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