I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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