1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
