you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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