if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
so that wasnt chicken after all
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
