How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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