Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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