If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
