You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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