Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
