she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
