Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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