Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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