If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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