Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Randomize
