i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Randomize
