Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
