i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
