Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
