i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
