where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I love how my cats smell like pot.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
