I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
