I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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