Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
