i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
