I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
