Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
