ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
