No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
