I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
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