We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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