are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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