So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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