Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
