I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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